


Vengeance is Best Served With Hooves

by prohibitionspiderman



Series: like the stars in the sky, we could live out our lives [2]
Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Gen, M/M, and obviously i couldnt bring up horses without referencing that one bit, as for plot theres none, fuck it ! ship the pig !, idk i wrote this intending to be gen and then my natural need to make everything gay kicked in, its romantic if you want???, noir!felicia is mentioned once bc i love her but she has no actual role, they hang out, what is this? dont ask me! i have no idea either
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:01:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26372377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prohibitionspiderman/pseuds/prohibitionspiderman
Summary: Ham levels him with a flat look. "Wow. When I suggested this date, I was expecting the horse to be the third wheel, not me!""First of all, I didn't know this was a date, and second of all, this is your idea of a date?""You literally brought Felicia along on your last Nazi-fighting escapade.""That wasn't a date!"
Relationships: Peter Benjamin Parker & Peter Porker, Peter Benjamin Parker/Peter Porker
Series: like the stars in the sky, we could live out our lives [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1842580
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	Vengeance is Best Served With Hooves

**Author's Note:**

> thanks to @make_or_blake for the title because god knows i couldn't come up with one on my own. also thanks to him for some of the most quality memes in this as usual idk what id do without you sir  
> anyway you wanna know how this came around??  
> me: hey check out this hurt/comfort trope where the character dramatically falls off their horse after they get fucking shot or smth  
> blake: that trope except its me dramatically falling off my horse for attention  
> me: sounds great im writing it. who with tho  
> blake: hamnoir  
> me: done  
> and thus, this exists. i dont fucking know either my dudes

If you asked Noir why he was here in Miles’ New York on the back of a horse with Ham clinging to his shoulder as he intermittently hurls insults at said horse, he wouldn’t have an answer. 

It all started back in Miles’ dorm earlier that day. Ham and Noir had been playing Uno (the normal non-interdimensional version for once, on their host’s orders) while Gwen had been helping Miles research for a school project. It was quite peaceful, honestly. 

“Did you know how many horses there are in New York?” Miles says without any sort of prompting. 

“Focus,” Gwen says, moving to close the tab on Ganke’s computer. “This has nothing to do with physics.” 

Admittedly, Noir is only partly listening, too focused on trying to guess Ham’s strategy and absolutely obliviating him at today’s game of Uno. That is, until Ham registers Miles words and suddenly loses interest in the game. 

“ _ Horses _ ,” he said in a low voice that speaks of a pain that could never be understood by mere mortals. Wondering if this is some trick to take his attention off the game, Noir watches cautiously. “You guys have horses in this dimension?”

Miles knits his eyebrows together. “... Yeah? We ride them. I dunno how it works in your dimension.” 

A look of weary pain crosses Ham’s face. “In my dimension the horses ride us. We still haven’t found a way to stop them.”

After a moment of silence, Miles says, "Oookay. 157,500. That's the answer." 

" _ What?! _ " Ham gasps, dropping his cards which scatter across the top bunk. " _ That many?!  _ How is this city still standing?!" 

Noir blinks. Gwen says, cautiously. "They're… just horses?" 

"That's what they want you to think," Ham declares vehemently. "But I know better. I learnt my lesson from the Horse Incident of '07."

"The Horse Incident of '07?" Miles repeats. 

Ham shudders. "Dark days. We don't talk about that. Anyway," he continues as if that explains anything, "where can I find one of your so-called… horses?" 

And long story short, here they are, wandering through Central Park with a horse named Dave that Miles picked them up from some stable. Noir never even considered the idea of renting a horse. The future really is incredible. 

If only Ham could make peace with the damn horse for over five seconds. 

"I know your secrets," his friend is saying from his perch on Noir's shoulder, accompanied by two pointed fingers. "I'm watching you, buddy." 

"Are you ever going to tell me what your problem with horses is?" 

Ham pats his shoulder in a consolatory way. "Trust me, Edge, you don't wanna know." 

And honestly, Noir's learned his lesson from… well, the entirety of Ham's origin story, so he doesn't ask again. Instead he says, "In that case, do you think you could stop insulting him for thirty seconds?" 

"You would deny me my vengeance? After what his kind did to me?" Ham hops down onto Dave's neck, who is somehow tolerating this alongside Ham's disrespectful commentary. Can horses understand Ham in this dimension or does Dave just not care? 

"He's polite," Noir argues, trying to sound reasonable. "Look at him. He's a nice horse. He's putting up with you." 

Ham places a hand over his heart. "You would take his side? Over mine, your pal, your partner in crime, your friend whom you love so much? Honestly, Edge," he continues as a single tear rolls down his face, "I never thought you'd be the one to betray me." 

"You know I love you." 

"Do I?" Ham shoots back in what sounds like the most scandalised tone he can muster. "How can I be sure, when you hurt me like this? You've known me for so long, yet you defend Dave here, who you've known for twenty-five minutes?" 

"Dave is the one putting in all the work here," Noir says amicably. "We could be walking through Central Park." 

Ham levels him with a flat look. "Wow. When I suggested this date, I was expecting the horse to be the third wheel, not me!" 

"First of all, I didn't know this was a date, and second of all,  _ this  _ is your idea of a date?" 

"You literally brought Felicia along on your last Nazi-fighting escapade." 

"That wasn't a date!"

"Be that as it may," Ham concedes, in a way that seems like he’s just saying that to appease Noir rather than any actual belief, “you’re supposed to be on my side.” 

“I’m not on anyone’s side,” Noir says simply. 

Ham blinks once, slowly. “You know what? Fine. I’ll leave you with your new best friend.” 

And without further ado, Ham yeets himself off the horse. Noir takes a moment to truly consider exactly what his life has become. He considers stopping so that Ham can climb back up, and then decides that his friend must lie in the bed he's made. "Walk it off, dear." 

"Asshole!" comes Ham's voice from behind him. After only a moment he’s back on the horse, draping himself dramatically over Dave’s neck. “I can’t believe you’ve done this,” he says to the horse. “Turning my best friend against me. Not cool, Dave.” 

Noir can’t help laughing. “Can he even understand you?” 

Ham shrugs. “I dunno. I hope so. He needs to know how his kind has disrespected me.” 

“His  _ kind _ ?” 

“You wouldn’t be so flippant if you’d seen the horses in my dimension,” Ham says, pointing an accusatory finger. “Sylvestor Stallion is one of my worst enemies.” 

“Isn’t he an actor?”

“That’s his front! In reality he’s one of the most ruthless criminals I’ve ever met. Last time I fought him he destroyed my favourite hot dog stand. Can you believe it?” 

“Wow. Sounds evil.” 

“I knew you’d understand,” Ham says, patting Noir’s hand proudly, apparently missing the clear sarcasm. Or just ignoring it entirely, which would also make perfect sense for Ham. “Thus, today I will finally achieve vengeance. Today it is the horse who is ridden!” 

As Ham turns away, probably to think up more insults to fling at Dave, Noir lifts a single hand to massage his temple. He could be anywhere in the multiverse, yet this is who he chooses to spend his time with. 

Ham continues to weave together an incredibly diverse amount of insults as Noir takes a moment to gaze around the Central Park of Miles’ dimension. It’s so much different to the area in his dimension - for better or for worse. Hopefully its history in Miles’ dimension is a kinder one. 

“I bet you’re thinking of how to get back to that hospital right now,” Ham is saying, and honestly by this point Noir’s given up on trying to question anything that comes out of his friend’s mouth. “‘ _ What can I do to fuck everything up this time? _ ’ What sort of plans do you have for this world?” 

Dave only snorts in response. 

“That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking horse.” 

“Have you ever considered that, at least in Miles’ dimension, maybe horses aren’t all horrifying villains?” 

Ham turns to face him again. “You can never be sure,” he says gravely. “They’re too powerful. You can never risk turning your back on them.” He doesn’t acknowledge the fact that he says this while facing away from the direction Dave is heading. 

Noir nods like this makes perfect sense. “I suppose that’s fair,” he says placatingly. “Still, do you think you could make peace with Dave until we’re out of Central Park?” 

“I suppose,” Ham grumbles, glaring back at the horse. “He has yet to betray our trust.” In a way that says he’s not particularly happy about it, he settles himself at the base of Dave’s neck. 

The peace lasts for about three minutes. 

“He twitched his ear! Do you know what that means?” Noir does not, but he supposes he’s about to find out. “This is the highest form of disrespect he could show! This is a declaration of war!” 

“Miles will not thank you if you start an interspecies war in his dimension.” 

“If  _ I  _ start an interspecies war?  _ He _ disrespected _ me _ !” 

“And I’m sure he’s very sorry.” Noir takes a moment to pat Dave’s neck. “Aren’t you, Dave?”

“Unbelievable.” Ham crosses his arms. “Do you hear this, Dave? Utter betrayal.” Turning away and settling back down, he adds, “This is the worst date I’ve ever been on. I hate to say it, Edge, but I think we have to break up.” 

Noir takes a moment to consider what to say, and then decides that the only appropriate response is one that matches the drama Ham has carried on this conversation with. He makes an exaggerated noise of pain, slapping one hand to his chest over his heart and then decides on the spot to just slide off the horse. Surely that’s a dramatic response appropriate for this situation. He lands on the grass beside the path, rolling onto his back and waiting for Ham to notice. 

There’s a good fifteen seconds before any response comes from his friend. "Copying me. Not cool, Edge." Ham at least has the good sense to keep hold of Dave as he doubles back to him so that he doesn’t wander off into Central Park. Apparently his grudge against horses doesn’t stop him from doing the bare minimum. 

“It seemed dramatic,” is all Noir offers as Ham reaches him, looking completely blank. 

“You ignored me,” he says with feigned irritation. “I should just leave you here.” 

“Yeah, well.” Noir grins. “You love me. And that’d be rude.”

Ham sighs dramatically. “I  _ suppose _ . It wouldn’t be very Spider-y of me to leave you here to die, would it?” 

“Not really.” 

He sighs again. “Fine, Edge. You win.” However, rather than do anything to get Noir to his feet, Ham just settles in the grass opposite him. 

“What are you doing?” Noir dares to question after a moment. 

“Look, if you give me the opportunity to lay on the ground and do nothing I will take it. This may have been about horses originally, but now it’s about soaking up the sun and making everyone who walks by wonder what the hell is going on.” 

“I’m sure Miles’ New York has seen stranger things than whatever this is.” 

“Probably,” Ham concedes. “But who would I be if I didn’t try to shake things up a little?” 

Noir supposes that’s true. He glances over at Dave, who’s grazing happily, and says, “We’re supposed to have him back by three.” 

“If you think about it, we’re doing them a favour. He gets to eat, we get to relax, they’re not overtaken by a horse revolution. Everyone wins.” 

“And here I thought you were starting to think horses weren’t all bad.” 

“Correction. Dave’s not all bad. We might have even been friends if he could talk.” 

“You spent the whole time insulting him.” 

“Pfft. Technicalities.” 

**Author's Note:**

> if you told me a year ago that in 2020 id be writing gay content between nicolas cage spiderman and john mulaneys fursona then i would have laughed probably. and yet here i am.


End file.
